Lonely

Emotions flood Axel's eyes. The pain, the hurt, the grief... it wasn't something others saw in him very often. It wasn't something that he usually let show. He was so sorry that Peter had gotten to Jess again... and so sorry that he hadn't been there for her.

He closes his eyes for a moment and just shakes his head. But she didn't let the conversation stop there. Instead, she kept on going, talking about him again, and her reasoning for being here now. He would revisit the subject of Peter later. For now... for now, there was another issue.

Reaching across the table with his other hand, he cups Jess' in his own. Taking a deep breath, he finally meets her gaze once more. "You are... one of the strongest people I know. The last couple days, all I've been told is what an idiot I was for leaving Nevada... and even my own gut started telling me the same thing. And... now I know why."

His fingers tighten a little around her hand, while his other hand stays limp in her palm. "I was an idiot because while I acted like I thought I had friends... maybe I never trusted that I really did. And you... of all people... coming here after you knew about my record... I'm... amazed."

And he was. It was the most fitting word. Jess had been taken advantage of more than once... Axel had denied her the truth even about himself... yet she had looked past absolutely everything and had been brave enough to come.

Axel looks back down for a moment, then takes another deep breath. "I... don't know if I'm the kind of man my record says I am or not." He knew that sounded crazy. But it was time. It was time he told the truth, and he was finally ready. Jess had shown trust in him, now he only owed her the same in return.

“I was out with friends. It was late… We’d just come from a party and wanted to go hang out at the docks by the lake.”

Axel could pull up the memories as if the event had just happened yesterday. Everything was vivid… the sights… the sounds… the smells.

“Me and Joe thought about taking a dip in the lake, but decided it was too cold. Wayne and Tammy were kidding around back in the parking lot. We just talked, threw rocks… no trouble, but we should have been home.”

He pauses, dredging up the chain of events. “I finally decided to go home. I asked Tammy if she wanted a ride, but Wayne convinced her to go out with him and Joe to the club downtown. It wasn’t my thing so they weren’t surprised when I declined and simply left.”

His eyes almost glaze over as he thinks, as if totally lost in what had happened. His fingers twitch a little over Jess' hand. “I went back to my apartment and went to bed. Slept like a rock until about six in the morning. The police were pounding at the door. Soon as I showed my face, they put me in cuffs and were arresting me. I didn’t have a clue what was going on, and it scared me, so at first I fought. But they took me down, and hauled me in. After that, I got interrogated. It started to sink in just what I was being charged with, and I kept saying I was innocent, but they said Tammy insisted that it had been me. I couldn’t believe it.”

Axel shakes his head as his eyes lower and he swallows hard, obviously not enjoying this, and finding it a bit difficult. Apart from the Stevensons, Jess was the first to hear all of this.

“We went to court. But I didn’t have a solid alibi, and the doctor that came said that the dna matched - it had been me. Tammy was there too... I remember being on the stand and looking out and seeing her. I could still see traces of the cuts and bruises on her face..." He stops and looks up. Jess looked so much the same. "...and the look in her eye when she saw me was pure terror.”

He pauses again, keeping his voice low. “I did hear her story in court. She said she went to the club with Joe and Wayne. They had some drinks, then after that she had trouble remembering things. Joe and Wayne both took the stand then, and their stories were the same. They said I showed up about half an hour after they did and said I told them I had changed my mind and wanted to join them. They said after a while they left the table, and looked over once to see me coming on to Tammy. They shrugged it off, but then a little bit later, they looked again and we both were gone. They said they went outside and found us both out back, catching me in the act. They said they were shocked and started a fight with me, but that I got away. Instead of following me, they stayed to help Tammy and call the police.”

Axel finally straightens, withdrawing his hands, his gaze falling to table. The look on his face was one of sadness, disgust, embarrassment and helplessness. “Tammy remembered bits and pieces… enough to mess her up emotionally… enough that she’d never be the same. Though she couldn’t remember the face of her attacker, it was Joe and Wayne’s testimony that sealed that angle. Then there was the medical proof.”

He sighs deeply. “I was asleep in my apartment. I was out cold and don’t even remember dreaming that night. Someone once asked me if I thought maybe I really had gone out, drank too much, got into trouble, then didn’t remember it the next morning.” He withdraws his one hand to rest it in his lap so Jess won't see it start to shake. “I guess there’s always been a small part of me that has questioned that. I've been known to sleepwalk and do things that I never have remembered. I would never, ever have hurt anyone, least of all like that. But was I in my own mind?” He shrugs again, helplessly. “I have no proof of anything. I always figured somebody paid off the doctor who presented the proof of dna. But do I have proof of that? No, of course not. I just always tried to find peace in the fact that I don’t remember doing anything to Tammy, and it wasn’t my nature to ever even consider it. Makes me sick just to think about it.”

Axel shifts his weight in his seat, bothered by all of this. Looking up, he locks eyes with Jess again. He felt out of line, but he was going to say it anyway. “I’ve never been with a women, let alone forcefully. I’ve always had moral standards high above that, and anyone would have testified to that. …Until the trial. I found out just how few friends I really had.”

He takes a breather, feeling the heat in his face. Even though he thought he believed his own innocence, that didn’t make the subject matter any easier to deal with. It was still an embarrassing topic, especially when talking to a woman.

Axel doesn't know how much more he should say, but he'd started, he might as well finish. There were unanswered questions, and he might as well be totally open at this point. Anything less would be silly now.

“Once I was behind bars, I never heard from any of my family or friends. No phone calls, no letters, no visits. I’d been completely cut off. And when I finally got out and was done with the rehabilitation program, I walked to my parents house, only to find a for sale sign in the yard. The neighbor, an old family friend, saw me, and told me that my parents had moved five months prior.” He closes his eyes for a moment. “No one had let me know. Even my brother had left town without a trace. So…”

He purses his lips. “That was that. I headed out of state, not bothering to figure out where my parents were. Wound up here in Wisconsin where no one knew me. Settled for a while, then Cryptic came along. It was just the thing I wanted to really start something new, so I joined up with them and… the rest is history.”

Axel bravely meets Jess' eyes again. Maybe it would hurt her to think that he might be innocent, but allowed her to think otherwise. But when he had had no proof...he wouldn't have wanted her to assume he was the good guy, then find out later it had all been the truth after all.

"And now... I'm just a lonely rainbow without the thunder."


By now, Carson is fully riled, so when Peter tries to go back inside, it's a strong arm that stops him. "Oh, no you don't."

Swinging Peter around, he balls up his fist. "Say goodnight."

...it's half an hour later. Peter is sitting in a chair, his hands tied behind his back. Where they were was damp and warm. A hot light shines in his face, and a tape recorder sits, recording the sounds, some of which would be edited out later. For the first sound was that of a knife being sharpened.

"Wakie, wakie," Carson prompts, giving Peter's face a light slap. "We don't want you sleeping all day. I need something from you first." As he moves, the small room rocks. It wasn't a room. It was the back of the TJY van.

Carson leans over behind Peter, putting the razor-sharp knife to the side of Peter's face and putting slight pressure on it. Enough to hurt, but not enough to draw blood. "Now... you're going to confess right now, that it was you who assaulted Jessica Fisher... twice. Or else you're going to be picked apart, one small piece of flesh at a time."

A crooked grin forms. "And don't think I won't do it."