So much joy, so much pain

Cindy is hesitant to go to Jason after his reactions earlier in the day, but her husband’s reassurance gives her the extra shove she needs. Nodding, she rises from her seat, excusing herself from the others around her.

From a distant perspective, a mother rises and goes to her son. As she sits down beside him, words are exchanged that no one can hear. Perhaps they are words meant to gently chide. Or perhaps they are simple words of encouragement. Even still, perhaps they are words that simply offer a listening ear.

But as a son’s head falls to his mother’s shoulder and a mother’s arm wraps around her son, brokenness can be felt. Brokenness of the heart. Brokenness of the soul. That which has strength of no other, powerful enough to bring a man to his knees in surrender, grasping for hope, even if it is within his own mother’s embrace…an embrace that can heal like no other.


Con listens to Katie quietly, finally leaning on the fence next to her to look out across the darkening pasture. When she is done, he simply lets silence rule for a long while. “We’re all feeling it, Kat,” he finally responds quietly. “Some of us are just better at hiding it than others.’”

He shakes his head a little. “It’s not ridiculous…you’re human, whether you like it or not.” A slight chuckle surfaces. “Whether the rest of us realize it or not too. You’re so strong that sometimes we forget you’re human just like us, and we take that strength for granted.”

Reaching over, he gives Katie’s shoulder a squeeze. “It’ll be okay, Kat…no matter what…it will be okay. God’s not going to up and abandon us. He’s got a plan here, whether we can see it or not. We’re all confused…we’re all hurting. But we just have to hold our chins up and march forward, praying and hoping for the best.

“You want things to be normal again…but you’re right…they never will be. They never will go back to the way they were…the days of innocence…the days of nothing but carefree fun. But “normal” can be today. You can change your future, Kat. You have control over it – no one else. No matter who fights with you, who fights over you, or who tries to put you down…in the end…it doesn’t matter. Because you’re the one that holds the key, not them.”

Con gestures with his hand back towards the mess hall. “You’ve got a boy in there who has fallen head over heels for you, and let me tell you, he’s a different man when he’s around you. I’ve been working with him for years, and I’ve never seen him like this…and it’s good. It’s been good for him, and I can see it’s been good for you too. Don’t let that suffer because of these circumstances. That’s just what the Agency wants…to break us all apart, confuse us, and weaken us as we split up.”

He shakes his head, cocking it slightly to see Katie’s face. He offers her a small smile. “We feel pain so we can gain strength. We fall down so we can pick ourselves back up. And we risk our very hearts if only to gain an instant of pure joy. Hang onto that joy, Kat. It’s there.”

Movement catches his eye and he sees several people filing out of the mess hall and heading around back. He knew they were going to start the bonfire. “I’m still here if you need me,” he offers.

Turning, he starts away slowly, his hands hooked in his pockets as he aims for the mess hall, Jamie his destination.


People begin to help clear away the supper dishes and chatter picks up once again as excitement builds for the bonfire. Couples automatically stick together and head out to find good spots to sit. Sparky and Mel disappear for several minutes until they’re back again, heading for the bonfire site, Sparky with his guitar in hand.

Though unsure about this evening, Scott eventually follows suit, feeling just a little overwhelmed by everybody, and not knowing who to latch onto for company. He didn’t want to intrude upon anyone, and everyone else seemed to know their places automatically, slipping into their roles as friends or family. Scott wanders to the site and finally finds a log towards the back, and he sinks down slowly, gingerly sitting on the ground, careful not to land too hard.

The mess hall grows quiet. Just a few lights are left on as some of the women scurry in the kitchen preparing snacks. Jason is alone at his table, his mind wandering everywhere it will. He didn’t want to do this now…he didn’t want to hurt Katie any more…but after this evening…it seemed impossible to keep all of his emotions in. There was just so much pain left.

Closing his eyes for a moment, Jason has to let some of it out, lest the hurt become too much for him to bear tonight. Memories flood back to him…memories of being here before…the wrong choices he’d made…the friendships he’d severed. Being here again…the renewed pain of thinking about his past. The awkwardness of being around Wes. The uncertainty of being around his mother again. The fear of being around his group of coworkers who he hadn’t allowed to be his friends lately. No matter the emotion, it all hurt.

Opening his eyes again, Jason finds that he’s resting his head on his arms. He was tired…exhaustion was creeping up on him. He’d had little sleep…he’d had no food. He was just…tired.