Unchanging

Scott works at his computer, his mind not on his work. He can't help but wonder at the exchange going on down the hall...he can't help but wonder if it's going poorly, or if it's going well.

A strange inner conflict confuses his own heart. He wants Katie to be happy...he knows that the strain between her and Jason causes her pain. Yet he also knows that if that strain were mended, he himself would again be out of the picture.

"Lord...please, just let Your will be done, and may I understand and have peace, whatever it may be..."


Katie's presence alone drives Jason's resistance against emotions to the limit. Her eyes, her voice...she was like a powerful magnet. She didn't have to try to draw out his emotions - the connection was there without the effort. And Jason resisted for all he was worth.

As Katie speaks, Jason's mind gets tossed a million and one directions. He could hear the hurt in her voice. He could feel the pain in her tone. His heart ached as she expressed how she'd felt when he'd been gone.

He looks down and away but remains quiet, respecting what she had come to say.

Hearing how she'd come to this office and broke down was like a direct stab to his heart. Hearing how she'd felt as he'd started to lock her out was like a slap to the face.

The truth about her and Scott wasn't that much different than what Jason had heard...but even though Katie explained it and defined the innocence involved, the pain of betrayal still lingered inside of Jason. The mention of Scott in general drove him down a rocky emotional path, not only because of this, but because of what had happened yesterday. There was more than pain and anger now...there was guilt that he was trying to resist.

The more Katie talks, the harder it is for Jason to hold up his barriers. The harder it is for him to hold on to his anger. The harder it is for him not to stand, go to her, take her in his arms and tell her how sorry he was.

But something held him back. A force he couldn't even understand. A bitterness that had enchained him.

Katie had begun to look elsewhere for love because Jason had changed. ...And he knew that he hadn't changed back into the man she'd fallen in love with. So if that were true...she would want to stick with him now, no more than she had when he'd been behind bars. That truth hurt...but Jason knew it was not a lie. Yesterday had proven that he wasn't who he used to be.

He'd had his reasons for not having wanted to open himself up to Katie during the last months away. He'd become someone even he hated, in order to survive....and he hadn't wanted Katie to see just who he'd become. He was hard...cold...angry. And he'd wanted to spare Katie the full knowledge of just what had happened to him. So he had closed himself off. She said now that it had caused her even more pain when he had done that...but Jason wasn't sure he would have changed his choice. He wasn't who he used to be...he wasn't her J anymore. And what hurt the most was that despite knowing this, he didn't know how to be that man again. It was so far removed from him now, that it wasn't even in sight. He had all but given up on trying to return to who he had been.

Katie was presenting him with a choice right now, and he knew not which path to take. His love for her remained...but it was buried under multiple thick layers of negative emotions that had eaten away at and replaced compassion...warmth...hope. The holes where those feelings should have been were instead filled with forces that drove Jason to the bitter point he was at now.

Despite the longing to return to the past, Jason had forgotten how to be who he really was. He had forgotten how to live.

...And he knew it.

He had forgotten how to love.

...And he knew it.

He had shut out the world and built barriers so strong that it took all his effort just to crack them...just to let who used to be his best friend in the world, see inside of him.

...And he knew it...and he couldn't loosen his grip enough on his anger in order to change. That anger had enveloped him and though able to push it aside for moments at a time, it was what drove him now, and it was what separated him from himself.

Jason finally rises to his feet. He goes to Katie and pulls her up out of her chair. Staring her in the eye, he takes her face in his hands, searching...seeking... She loved him...and he was no longer capable of returning that love. There was too much bitterness...too much pain...too much in the way that it choked out the love that was deep down inside.

As if knowing this might be the last, Jason takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, opening up once more, allowing Katie a glimpse of what was happening inside his heart. The hurt, frustration, anger, hate, longing, loneliness...the struggle in the midst of turmoil, churned by the desire to feel hope, love, warmth, but lacking them, and therefore lacking the triumph over himself.

Leaning in, he presses his lips to hers for but a passionate moment before drawing away. And as he draws away, the feelings are sealed off, signaling that the barrier was in place and was not to be lowered again until he willed it so.

Before anything more can be said, Jason turns and leaves his office. He had to get out. He had to get away. What would happen now, he didn't know. If Katie would stay or go, he didn't know. But right now...he couldn't give any more. He couldn't face that challenge. He couldn't face that pain.

He'd barely been at work half an hour, but he was ready to leave. Stalking back down the hall, he aims for the main floor, the exit his destination.


Scott walks slowly down the aisle of cubicles, taking some papers to Carson. Turning the corner, he sees Jason coming towards him, the look on his face none too happy.

Scott backs up a step, catching his elbow on the corner of a cubicle wall and tripping himself. His papers fall from his hand as he catches himself, wincing as he moves too quickly.


Jason sees Scott and grits his teeth as he passes. Like a bloodhound, he senses Scott's fear, creating an ire inside of him for all that had happened. Most of all, an ire towards himself.

Not even stopping, Jason turns the other direction, his fast pace carrying him outside before anyone can stop him.

Scott crouches down to try and retrieve his papers, having a bit of difficulty maneuvering. Worry coursed through his veins...what had happened? Where was Katie? Had they fought? Was Jason as mad as he looked?

Standing back up, Scott waits, looking down towards the hall. Did he go to check on Katie? Did he go back to his desk?

A hand on his shoulder makes him jump. It's Carson. He looks at Carson with question, unsure what he knows, or why the understanding look on his face.

Carson can read the questions in Scott's eye, and shakes his head. "Jason wouldn't hurt her," he states with quiet confidence.

Scott swallows hard. "What do I do?"

"Just be there."

Scott hands over the papers to Carson without saying more, and returns to his desk. He would give Katie her space. If she didn't show up in a while, he'd go to her.