Remembering

It's late morning before Carson begins to stir again. Opening his eyes slightly, even the dim light coming in through the cracks in the blinds made him cringe. The pain killers had done nothing for his headache. Despite physically feeling as though he'd run his head into a brick wall, his mind was beginning to clear away at least some of the fog.

Blinking, he tries to piece together what he knew. He'd decided to leave...just for a while. He'd filled his backpack and had decided to hitchhike out of town. He'd needed to think...sort things through. But on his way, he'd been lured into the bar, decided he might as well completely forget about everything. Apparently he had...because he remembered nothing after that.

Turning from his stomach to lay on his back, he realizes that Misty's arm is resting around him. And where did she come in? Had she been there all night? What about yesterday? It could only be assumed she knew he'd been drunk. Had he talked a lot? Did Misty know now about Ashlyn?

Carson didn't even know what to think or how to feel. It hurt too much to even try thinking about. But guilt had a way of finding it's path to the surface, making him feel all the more worse, along with the fool he really was. And yet...Misty had apparently stayed. He had no idea what he'd said, or what he'd done, but he knew it couldn't have been anything to be proud of.

Heaving a slow sigh, he slides his hand under Misty's head, bringing her a little closer so her head could rest on his forearm. "I made a fool out of myself, didn't I?" he asks quietly.


Jason eases down at his desk, one hand on Trooper's head as the dog didn't let him out of his sight. "You realize I have to work now, don't you?" Jason looks at him, stroking one of his ears.

Trooper comes closer and sets his head on Jason's desk.

Jason sighs and leans back in his chair, just studying his animal friend. The last time he'd had Trooper with him had been right after the house fire, then he'd been taken away.

Jason's mind goes back to that night. His whole world had been crashing down around him. But his friends had stuck close...proving to him just who his friends were, even if he hadn't recognized them to be. And then there was Katie...he could still remember how she'd shown up as he'd walked from the smoldering rubble, having known he was in danger. She'd saved him more than once because of her sixth sense.

Allowing his mind to wander just a bit, Jason reflects on the past. The good...the bad. Going to Texas...returning a different person...a better person. Running back to Texas, coming back again to realize the damage he'd caused to a friend. Renewing that friendship...then trading the simple friendship for something deeper...something he and Katie had both wanted. Had that relationship been doomed from the beginning? It had hadn't felt like it. If he hadn't gone to prison, would they have given up? He didn't know. Perhaps they hadn't been wise in the first place. Perhaps they had acted on impulse when they should have used more logic. Perhaps they simply weren't ready for anything else, yet had plunged ahead anyway.

No matter the reason...whether Jason wanted to admit it or not, Katie looked happy with Scott. And if Scott could offer her more than he could, then he couldn't be upset. It was better to see Katie happy, than continue struggling with their own relationship. Maybe it was best for Jason too...maybe he needed this time to get to know himself again.

And really...what more could he ask for? Katie was still willing to be his friend and help him deal with what he was going through. He'd lost a love, but hadn't lost the friend completely. The sorrow was beginning to fade...the wounded heart was beginning to heal. Love? Perhaps it still lingered in the shadows, but it was dispersing to be recollected later and aimed in a new direction if he desired.

Shaking his head, Jason returns to his computer. He hadn't meant for his mind to go down that path. But maybe it was good he was finally sorting through all that.

Sighing, he tells Trooper to go lie down, and tries to concentrate on work. Sifting through one of his drawers, he runs across a couple old photos of him and Con and Laura. He didn't know how they'd gotten there, but he was holding them now. It had been several years...he'd changed so much. He wasn't that over-confident kid anymore...though the chip on his shoulder had stuck around too long. The pain he'd been burying back then had been on its way to being resolved. And now...he had a whole new set of pain to deal with. Is that what life was destined to be? A constant battle with different kinds and different doses of pain? It seemed unfair.

Unable to concentrate, Jason rests his elbows on his desk and stares into nothingness. Releasing some of his negative emotions the other night had put even more pressure on what was left, and he longed to be free...he really did.

When getting to this point, he was used to seeing Katie...used to sitting down with her and letting her help draw it out of him, even though it hurt. But how much of that could he really do now? He remembered how spending time with Katie before had jeopardized his friendship with Wyatt and put a strain between them as well. He didn't want to do that to her again. Yet he still knew that they could be friends. And part of their unique relationship was the giving and taking of their thoughts and feelings. No matter whether romance was involved or not, their bond simply couldn't be broken, even if they wanted it to be. Perhaps once the love was dissolved, it would be even easier.

Closing his eyes, Jason tries to focus for just a moment. He didn't know where Katie was right now...but he knew she was probably up...on her way here...maybe even here already. No matter her location, he knew good and well that she'd be able to feel him.

Ever so slowly, he lets memories invade his mind. Memories of the last half year...memories that brought the hurt all over again. The horror of being so alone...the loneliness itself...the loathing of receiving torment from other inmates. The anger at being taken advantage of. The sorrow for things he'd done.

Swallowing hard, Jason doesn't let the moment last too long, knowing if he did, he would be too exhausted to continue through the day. Gradually, he stops the flow again as the tears pool behind his eyes, not allowed to fall. The more he released, the emptier he felt. On one hand, it was a relief...the burden was slowly being lifted. And on the other...he still didn't know how to refill his heart with the good things.

But he was recovering...slowly. With Katie to help draw him out, he was recovering, and hope was in sight. Soon he would be able to function again without the built-up emotions, and things would go back to the way they were when he didn't affect Katie unless his emotions were at an extreme, or she concentrated on finding him. He wanted to return to that place...for his sake...for her sake...for peace. "Thanks, Katie," he whispers.


Jim sits alone in the corner of the mess hall, his eyes frozen on his mug of coffee. Becky and Rosalynn would be returning tomorrow, in order to be around when the court hearing occurred, but despite his joy of seeing them again, his mind was occupied with another subject. One that only he, and Mick knew about. One that was becoming a wretched secret, now that it was so close to being exposed. He didn't even know how to start with this one. He'd just mended a relationship with Clint...would this prove to sever it all over again? And what about Becky? He'd spoken to her on the phone last night, but had not told her.


Trent leans back against the porch railing as he sits on the bunkhouse steps. He had not yet made a habit out of joining everyone for breakfasts...he stuck on the outskirts during other meals, but interacting was still pretty awkward yet to immerse himself completely.
He was slowly coming to know Rosetta and his other brothers again, which was more than he could have hoped for though, so any awkwardness was small in comparison.
The only real tension he felt came from Luke. Trent had exchanged probably a whole of twenty words with him since coming, though neither had attempted any more than that. There was just too much history to be forgotten in one day.


Luke tucks in his shirt and buckles his belt, getting ready for the day. Leaving his bunkhouse, he easily makes it down the stairs and walks towards the mess hall. The last few days had been good and he'd been able to function well without much trouble at all, proving he could still carry on a normal life once in a while.
Reaching the mess hall though, he's just heading up the steps to the back door, when a visitor's kid comes bounding outside. Luke twists to the side to avoid running into him, but it was the wrong move. As his spine shifts, he can feel the pain shoot down his legs, and before he can catch himself, he's sitting on the step, cringing until the pain passes. Frustration reaches an all-time high and he lets a curse slip out from under his breath, even though it's followed by guilt for allowing it.
Just sitting alone, he tries to recover, but feels his legs start to grow numb again. He knew it wasn't just going to pass in the next five minutes.
Resting his head against the railing he just remains, knowing that eventually, someone would come along and help him up, and he'd endure the embarrassment all over again, probably requesting to be helped back to his bunk rather than join the breakfast bunch.