Different

Still confused by this event, Carson lamely does as Katie tells him with the phone, and rocks back on his heels away from Jason to leave him alone. Katie's words to Jason intensify his bewilderment. What was it that Jason was going through? What kinds of memories could cause this kind of torment in a person? This was more than just a memory...it was more than a flashback. It really did appear to be a nightmare, but one Jason couldn't bring himself out of.

Jason's body shakes as a cold sweat forms. His eyes are scrunched tight, his fists balled so firmly that his knuckles turn white. He was being hunted down, hit, shoved in a corner. Images that hadn't risen before, present themselves now as new torment.

Suddenly a voice breaks through. A voice that's not a part of this horrid nightmare. It's soft and sweet...it's a voice Jason knows is safe...one that offers a haven.

"Everything is ok and you're ok J..."

He tries to pull himself from one world into the other. Reality seemed so far away...so far out of reach.

"You can fight this. I'm here to help you. It's ok J. It's ok."

Jason's eyes suddenly fly open and he gasps for breath. His pulse was racing and he felt weak all over. Catching sight of a figure near him, he flinches, drawing himself up further against the wall.

"Hey, hey, it's just me," Carson says quietly.

Jason tries to get his eyes to focus, and slowly, slowly things start to make sense again. Finally his muscles begin to relax. "Carson."

"Yeah."

Jason lets his head rest on the carpeted floor, his eyes closing again from exhaustion. "Katie..."

"Yeah, that's her." Carson puts the phone to his ear again, turning off the speaker. "He's coming out of it Katie. Anything I need to do?"

After receiving a few brief instructions, Carson sets the phone down. His mind elsewhere though, he forgets to close it, accidentally keeping the connection open.

Rising, he goes to the kitchen. Entering, he winces and cries out as his foot catches a piece of glass he'd missed. "Aw for crying out loud..." Hobbling to the counter, he leans on it while he lifts his foot to see the bottom of it, and gingerly pulls out the glass. Sighing, he goes for the refrigerator and retrieves what little orange juice there is left, to pour it in a cup and take it back to Jason.

Easing down next to him, Carson tries to help Jason sit up.

Jason does his best to sit, using the wall as his backrest, and finally getting his legs out in front of himself.

Carson looks at him with concern. "You alright?" He holds out the juice. "Katie said you might need this."

"Mm." Jason takes it wearily, managing a couple sips. With a sudden attack of stress like that, it wasn't surprising his sugar dropped. His pulse finally beginning to slow, Jason starts to come out of his fog. At least this time it wasn't taking him too awful long to start functioning again. "Thanks."

Carson studies him for a moment. "Katie called it a nightmare...what happened?"

Able to keep things under control for now, Jason figures it best to elaborate. He hadn't realized that Carson didn't know about these episodes. "You know my past...you admitted once that the Agency used it that time they kidnapped me."

"Ohh, that." Carson raises his eyebrows. "I knew you'd been abducted as a kid and that it bothered you a bit, but..."

"Didn't know it was this bad, eh?" Jason forces a tired shadow of a grin. "Yeah..."

Carson watches him, still a bit shocked. "So...what happens? I mean..."

"It all comes back." Jason looks down, not even trying to get up yet. "Just the bad stuff...usually the memories of when I was most scared. They just...take over. I can feel myself starting to slip...sometimes I can stop it, and sometimes I can't."

"And this time...you couldn't."

"I saw a guy who looked like Alex today...then I heard you break that glass and it was too much." Jason lets out a slow sigh. "I try to control it...I try not to let the memories rule me...and they don't affect me constantly like they did once. When I was in Texas, this was a daily occurrence for a little while." He shakes his head. "Katie knows all about that."

Carson furrows his brow. "How come she can pull you out?"

"I don't know. She just...always has been able to. I can get myself out of the flashback eventually..." He remembers his time in prison. "But it's a lot harder and it leaves me in pretty bad shape."

"You don't call this bad shape?"

A slight laugh comes out after Jason takes another sip of juice. "This is nothing compared to some of the other times."

"Wow."

Jason quirks an eyebrow. "Didn't know when the Agency was using my past that they were doing that good of a job, did you?"

"Guess not. This bothered you all your life?"

Jason shakes his head. "No...when I was a kid I blocked everything out. It wasn't until I was in Texas that it all came back. Something about it triggered the memories...then everything all started coming back and I couldn't handle it any more."

"And since then?"

"It was bad enough that I got help...I got a pretty good handle on myself and I'm not living in daily torment like I was...I don't have the nightmares every night anymore...usually just after an episode like this." Jason shrugs. "I can beat the memories if they're not thrown at me too fast, and I can work myself through them and the fear. It's just when I'm caught off guard like today. I should probably be able to control that by now too, but I guess my mind's just not strong enough."

Carson throws him an annoyed glance. "Man, with something like this, I'm impressed you can control it half the time, let alone most of the time."

"Yeah, well I wish it was all the time. I never know how bad it's going to be...sometimes it's more severe, other times it's just short and quick...other times I get nightmares for several nights afterward." Jason pauses. "At least now, I can start functioning pretty soon after an episode, so I guess it's better. I’m letting my past control me though."

"I don't think so," Carson argues. He didn't have a full understanding of everything, but he wasn't sure he agreed. "You're not letting it control you now. You said yourself that it's not a daily thing anymore. You said you got help...what did they say?"

"That I could overcome it. That I couldn't let the fear rule me. That if I could control it, eventually I'd be able to function without these flashbacks."

Carson quirks an eyebrow. "Did this helper ever see one of these episodes?"

Jason thinks for a moment, then shakes his head. "No..."

"Jase...these aren't just flashbacks."

"Well yeah they are," Jason argues. "I just about blew Austin's head off once because I thought he was Alex."

"Now that I would describe as a flashback," Carson agrees. "But this..." He shakes his head again. "This is different. Did you just describe these episodes as ‘flashbacks’ to whoever helped you?"

"I guess so." Jason shrugs. "I mean...I just told him I'd been having flashbacks and we talked about my nightmares at night too...we mostly talked about the memories and how I shouldn't fear them...how I shouldn't shut down and ignore them because it just made them worse, but how I needed to work through them, and so eventually the flashbacks would just become simple memories that didn't evoke fear."

Carson sits back, deep in thought. He wasn't best buddies with Jason, but he did care, and something just wasn't adding up here. "Well, they were right about the flashbacks...you can work through and out of those...when was the last time, though, that you didn't know where you were or who you were with, but you were still under control? Like when you almost took out Austin?"

"It's been a while I guess...I mean...that hasn't happened in a long time. It's just been times like this when I fall apart completely."

"Well, trust me when I say it's more than a flashback, Jason. Your mind's reeking havoc on you. If this was just a flashback, you probably would have come after me and seen me as Alex, not been thrown into a nightmare, winding up on the floor like that."

Jason furrows his brow. "So what are you saying?"

"I'm saying not to feel stupid for not being able to control it. I'd be willing to bet that after you got help, you haven't had a 'normal' flashback because you did get past that." He pauses. "I've seen guys with flashbacks, and what I just saw was very different. Your mind must just suddenly explode."

"That's what it feels like."

"I bet."

"So if it's not a flashback, what is it?"

Carson shrugs. "You might just call it a flashback because how else are you going to label it? But you've got a complex mind, Jason. Your subconscious does a lot you don't even realize. I'm no psychologist, but if I had to guess, I'd say your mind builds up all those memories and the pressure just increases. Finally, when something triggers it, it explodes. But instead of just fooling you into thinking you're seeing things your not, it does more, and hurls you into such a state that you can't even move."

Jason had never thought about it this way before...was Carson right? It did make sense...Adam had help him overcome a lot, and now that he thought about it, he really did no longer have a 'typical' flashback. So was this really something different? Connected, obviously, but perhaps it couldn't be handled the same way as what else he'd experienced. Perhaps it really was different. Perhaps he'd been viewing it incorrectly and therefore was made to feel stupid when he couldn't control it. "So...what can I do about it?"

Carson forces a dry laugh. "I wish I could help you out there. But quite honestly...if you're still having trouble after all this time, and after getting help...this might be something you're just going to have to deal with always."

"Unless I shut down."

"Yeah, and that’s always got you a long way, hasn’t it?" Carson rolls his eyes. The implication of the breakup with Katie was there.

"So now I just give up because there's no hope for me to control it?" Jason argues.

"I didn't say that." Carson rises to his feet. "You said you already can feel now when these things start to come on. Maybe there's a way you can head them off, I don’t know. All I'm trying to say is not to beat yourself up over it, because I'm not convinced it's something you can control completely."

“Oh, great.”

“Hey.” Carson nudges him with his foot. “Stop it. If you can’t keep the memories from taking over once in a while, at least don’t let these episodes take over your life. If they happen, they happen. Move on. Letting them get to you just defeats the purpose of even trying. At least you've got people around you to help you through them.”

Jason heaves a weary sigh. Why Carson was being so nice, he wasn't sure, but it did make sense. And...he was probably right. Jason didn't want to have to deal with this...he was tired of it. But maybe it really wasn't his own fault after all. He could think about the past now without shutting down. He could walk himself through the memories of his experience with Alex without the pain now. That was in itself, a great improvement. But perhaps there was simply something about the way his own mind worked, that collected information differently, in a way that he couldn't control. If that were the case, the only thing he could do was try to control what came after the explosion.

Finally finding enough energy, Jason makes it to his feet, just a little unsteadily, and finishes his juice. "Thanks."

"Yeah." Carson takes the cup and goes back to the kitchen. "Need anything, holler...just not too loudly."

Jason almost lets a slight laugh escape. Apparently Carson wasn't feeling quiet up to par yet. Shaking his head, Jason leans down slowly, picking up his phone, and automatically shutting it as he does, clueless that the minutes have added up, the line open all this time.

Turning back to his bedroom, he opts to take a shower and change clothes, now that he'd been drenched in sweat. But he didn't want to stay here...it was too quiet...even with Carson around. What he really wanted was some fresh air, and a walk sounded like just the thing, even if it was getting late.


Wyatt ambles out of his house, locking the door behind himself. It was late...it was almost dark. But he needed he'd suddenly had a craving for ice cream, and the store would still be open.

Jumping into his jeep, he starts it up, and heads into town. Listening to the radio, Wyatt's mind starts to wander, and he suddenly realizes he's missed his turn. Rolling his eyes at himself, he swings back around several different blocks, now taking himself down the same street as Mom and Pop's. Passing a pedestrian, Wyatt looks quickly into his mirrors. That had looked like Jason. Shrugging it off, he absentmindedly glances to the restaurant as he passes. Was that Aerith? And...who was...

Wyatt suddenly senses that all is not right. Had his mind played tricks on him, or was Aerith struggling with a man?

Putting on the brakes, Wyatt is forced to swing back around the block again, as another car is behind him. He speeds around his turns, coming back again, but this time, aiming for the parking lot.

Jason ambles down the sidewalk, unsure why he was headed downtown, but he hadn't had anywhere else he wanted to go. The evening air was as refreshing as he'd hoped it would be, despite the heaviness in his heart. His episode had done nothing for his depression, and he still felt like he was just spinning his wheels, not getting anywhere.

As a jeep passes him, he looks up, noting that it was Wyatt. He'd wave, but it was too late now. Instead, he lets his mind wander towards Mom and Pop's. As he nears, his eyes zero in on Frankie. Jason grits his teeth. What a jerk. He quickens his pace to a fast and deliberate walk, aiming for Aerith and Frankie.


Scott stretches as much as he can in the small space between plane seats, and stifles a yawn. It was getting late. They should be arriving soon. Blinking, he looks around, and realizes that Katie isn't beside him anymore. Glancing down the aisle, he figures he knows where she is, and settles back in again, deciding to stay awake for when she returned.