Pain

Carson tries not to let too much surprise show at Nate’s cordial greeting. He accepts the handshake firmly, giving a little nod, and trying to find his voice. “Thank you.”

He’s not sure what else to say…there is so much that has been unsaid…so many questions that he knew he would have to answer. He’s quiet for a moment, contemplating.

Before he can speak again though, Wyatt comes around the corner.

Wyatt skids to a halt as he sees Carson, his eyes widening. If there was one person he hadn’t expected to see again, it was him. He’d assumed he’d skipped for good after not hearing anything for two months. What had brought Carson back? Was he on the up and up?

Approaching cautiously, he studies Carson’s face. Something was different. The cold fire was gone from his eyes. There was humility…perhaps almost a timidity…though he still wore confidence. His eyes were void of spark, indicating he had truly been broken at some point, and was now subdued because of it. Wyatt wondered if he were right.

Carson tenses just a little as she sees Wyatt coming. The last time they’d spoken, it had been a harsh exchange after a brawl. Wyatt had been ready to kill him. But as Carson looks at him now, he can see that the anger is gone…time had built a bridge over that rift. He bravely extends his hand. “Wyatt.”

Wyatt shakes his hand. “Carson…”

Another awkward pause. Carson finally gives a little roll of his eyes. “I know…you’ve both got questions for me.” He raises his hands, then drops them back down. “I’ve got nothing to hide.”

Wyatt exchanges a glance with Nate, then looks back at Carson. “How about we go into the break room and sit down?”

“Not the interrogation room?”

Wyatt thinks for a moment. “No. Come on.”

The three make their way to the break room, finding it empty and able to sit down at he small table. Carson glances to the counter, the microwave…he could see Misty standing there making him lunch like she had so many times, just because she cared.

Snapping himself back to the present, he looks to Nate and Wyatt, ready for a bombardment. But it’s gentler than he would have guessed.

Wyatt leans back in his chair, continuing to study Carson. “Got anything you want to say first?”

Carson swallows hard. “Yeah.” He catches Nate’s eye, then Wyatt’s before dropping it down to the table. “I’m sorry.” Finding strength again, he looks back up. “I did a lot of things wrong when I was here before and…if it weren’t for me, you probably wouldn’t be short a fine young woman now.”

Wyatt has a hard time not becoming emotional. It was difficult seeing Carson around without Misty. But what was Carson saying? “You…blame yourself?”

“Over two months ago I tossed aside the most precious thing in my life – a genuine friendship like I’d never had.” Carson remains without emotion…he could talk about it now without so much pain. “If it wasn’t for me…I’m sure Misty would still be alive today.”

Wyatt could see that Carson truly had shouldered this burden, accepting that responsibility whether it was right or not. “Carson…sometimes things just happen. Why carry that guilt around? The rest of us could just as easily be blamed for letting her go.”

“No.” Carson shakes his head. “You all loved her…your intentions were pure.” His eyes grow dim. “I had no love…and now…it’s holding on to that guilt and pain that keeps me from making the same choices again. It’s feeling that shame day in and day out that reminds me how much pain I’m capable of causing…and it keeps me from causing it again.” He takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “Not a day goes by that my mind doesn’t replay the last time I saw Misty…it’s as nightmare that I created and I will live with in the hopes that I will stop history from repeating itself.”

Wyatt looks to Nate again, knowing that Nate probably felt just like he did…there was no anger towards Carson anymore…there was almost pity. “Where have you been all this time?” he asks.

“Australia.” Carson looks down at this hands as he runs his thumbnail along the edge of the table. “I went to spend some time alone…to think. When I heard about Misty, I…I made a few bad choices…tried anger to resolve the pain and that didn’t work…I tried drinking, and after a week of puking my guts out because of it, I realized that wouldn’t work. I tried hanging out with old buddies as a distraction...” He keeps his gaze down, feeling the shame, though brave enough to continue. “I tried women, but that just made me feel worse.”

Carson glances up again. “I found out the hard way that nothing could take the pain away…it was something I had to live with…so I got my feet back under myself, got cleaned up and roamed a little bit. Held down odd jobs. Then about a week ago I decided that I wasn’t doing anyone any good by continuing to hide. Nothing I can do could ever make up for what I’ve done…but I wanted to try and start doing something good…” He forces a short sorry laugh. “…something for somebody else for a change…and I knew TJY was the best place for that, so…here I am.”

He lets his eyes wander around the room, finding it a bit hard to be here…but he knew it was the right thing to do. “I…I know I still got problems…I get angry…it’s hard for me to have mercy on others, and it’s a daily struggle not to desire going back to a life of action and adrenaline. But…I’ve been sober for a month, I don’t intend on going back to my life of women, I haven’t had a smoke in three weeks, and…” Carson shrugs. “…That’s the best I can do right now…and it’s all I have to offer.”

Wyatt finds it difficult to even remember being upset with Carson. This was a completely different man in front of him…Carson had been broken. A question lingers in Wyatt’s mind that he had wondered about for two months. “Carson…how did you know about Misty before even calling here?”

Carson remembers the day well, and allows the dull pain to linger. “When I left here, I found a guy through Reese…he promised he wouldn’t say anything… A guy who’d done some work for TJY before…Alec Kryston. I hired him to keep an eye on Misty around here, because I was afraid Ashlyn would stay in town. Alec followed her, found out she was leaving…tailed her to the airport to make sure no one else followed her. I figured Misty was safe, so I told him to stay in the states – his job was done. Then…” Carson’s eyes focus on nothing as he replays that day. “He called me back hours later and told me a plane had just gone down. I didn’t want to believe it, so I called here, and…the rest is history.”

Wyatt shakes his head. “You cared about Misty, even though you’d betrayed her.”

“Of course I cared,” Carson throws back with just a bit of irritation. “I know good and well that my actions were uncalled for and that they reflected nothing than the lowlife that I was. But I cared about Misty… She showed me what it was like to be accepted and loved unconditionally…” He closes his eyes for a moment, maintaining his composure. “I just didn’t return that love.”

“So you didn’t really love her?”

“No.” Carson’s eyes fall back to the table. He pauses before looking back up at the other two men. “I cared about Misty deeply as a friend like I’d never had…as a woman who I’m not ashamed to admit attracted me…as someone who gave me something worth living for. But the day I chose to turn my back on all that was the day I proved I had not loved. If I had…I wouldn’t have done what I did.”

“And now…?”

“I cherish the memories.” Carson can feel the locket that was tucked underneath his shirt. “If I was ever given the chance to go back and change what I’d done, I would do it in a heartbeat, knowing what I do now.”


Con sighs a little after he polishes off his sandwich and listens to Jamie. Rolling over, he lies on his back to look up at the sky. “Every time I see Katie, I can see a part of her is missing,” he muses. “I just keep praying they can get Jason out of there…if they don’t, I’m afraid of what it will eventually do to Katie.”

He puts his hands behind his head as a slim pillow, closing his eyes and listening to the rustling wind. It was peaceful here…he wanted to feel this kind of peace everyday, but it was getting harder. The struggle within himself remained whether he liked it or not, and with each passing day, it got just a little worse.