A rat

Carson grits his teeth as Misty cleans his writs and puts on new bandages, though he doesn’t flinch or wince. Feeling the pain meant that he was alive, and he wasn’t so sure if that was something he liked or not.

He slips a glance back in her direction, taken aback by the tears he saw there. Everything was so confusing. Her words that she was glad they’d found him, struck harder than he would have liked, and his emotional barrier was pushed to the limit. No one had ever cared if he lived or died. Not for many many years anyway. He was so used to being wanted only for his expertise, that for someone to simply care was mind-boggling. He was the scum of the earth, and Misty cared. It created a strange and unwanted pang in Carson’s heart that he tried to ignore.

As Misty goes back to her desk, Carson resumes his stare at the ceiling. Part of him wanted to fight this position – to roll out of bed and stalk right out of this room. But his body resisted, reminding him he was too weak to do much of anything at the moment.

Carson’s eyes drift shut, but open suddenly again as his ears pick up Misty’s soft singing. The words held a strange meaning to him, as if they were trying to draw something out of him…luring him into the open, scared and vulnerable. When the silence returns, Carson is almost sorry.

It doesn’t last long though, as Nate and Jason enter the room. He shifts his head to see them, his face void of anything. He stiffens a little as Nate approaches, wondering what will happen now. But once again, he’s taken totally off guard by Nate’s tone, and almost flinches under his hand. Where did these people come from? This just didn’t make sense! Why on earth should they care? For all they knew, he’d gone to talk to the Agency, yet they apparently felt compassion. Why?

Carson doesn’t verbalize anything, but searches Nate’s face, then Jason’s in turn, trying to figure them out, but coming up empty. He watches as they leave, then shifts his focus back to the ceiling. Maybe he really had been stupid.


Jason lets out a low whistle when he and Nate are clear of the room. “He doesn’t look so hot, does he?” He shakes his head. “I just can’t believe this turn of events. It’s so bizarre.”

He sighs. “We’ve gotta find out somehow if he talked to the Agency though…we all could be in a lot of danger. In all my years here, I’ve never experienced a lockdown…it only happened once a long time ago when security was breached. I’d hate to see it happen again if the Agency is on the prowl.”

Jason aims for his own office. “I guess I’ll get caught up on some other work for now…let me know if and when you want to go talk to Carson again, or if you make any other plans.”


Carson works his jaw muscles. A nervousness takes over him as he contemplates his next move. He hadn’t planned on saying anything. Of course, he hadn’t planned on even being around anymore. But this kindness…this mercy…it evoked more than he wanted to admit.

Without looking down, he knows Misty is still standing at her desk. “I left to go back to the Agency, you know…” Why he was talking, he didn’t even know. But something pushed him…something prodded him to the point of irritation if he didn’t. His gaze remains fixed on the light fixture above his head.

“I got scared…figured they’d know eventually that I wasn’t dead, and start hunting for me. Figured if I went to them I could tell them everything I knew about TJY in exchange for my life.”

He pauses, wondering if that prospect would change any attitudes towards him. “Got all the way across the border to one of our stations. No one was there, so I gathered up a few of my things and walked out the door, ready to go to headquarters.”

Carson purses his lips, not knowing if Misty was listening or not, but at this point, not really caring. “Someone had taken my car so I aimed for the bus stop. I got all the way there, and was in line. And dang it…” He shakes his head, rolling his eyes at himself. “I just couldn’t do it. I’d run away to be a double-crosser and for the first time, I couldn’t even follow through. I don’t even know why, but I turned around and waited for a bus that was going the opposite direction…back here.”

He sighs deeply, a dullness to his words. “Got in town, and chickened out again. Now I was stuck because if I came back, I knew everyone here would want to kill me because they’d assume just where I’d been…and I couldn’t go back to the Agency…I’d already tucked tail and run from there. I spotted a bar, stashed my bag somewhere, and decided that if I couldn’t make up a mind, I might as well forget about everything. So…I did.”

Carson fidgets with his fingers, the biting soreness of his wrist not preventing him. “And I don’t remember a thing after that until this morning. Got a treatment from Nate and Jason, and when they were gone, I figured it was about time I gave everyone what they wanted. I was such a coward that I couldn’t even decide which path was the best anymore, and I was no good to anyone. This place…you people…you make me know what kind of person I am. You remind me what people are really supposed to be living like and all it does is drive home the guilt. I’m a rat and I figured the best option was to just end it all and get it over with.”

His voice trails off, ending hard and cold as he fights once again.