Looking

Carson grins. "Well I just hope I can live up to your expectations, Herb. I... can't thank you enough. I'm still kinda shocked, but this means... it means a lot to me." He gives a little sigh, but it's one of contentment. "Wait 'til Dani hears about this. She's gonna make me pay more rent." He laughs.

He shakes his head and looks around the room, feeling the opportunity to switch subjects before he had to go, and before he had to think of anything else to say in regards to his accepted offer that was making him just a smidge uncomfortable. "They treating you alright in here?"


Laura giggles and accepts Nate's arm. "We shall. For your stomach's sake." With a quick stop to get her purse, she follows Nate outside, keeping her arm linked with his until they get to his car.

It doesn't take them long to settle in at the little restaurant, both able to order quickly, and enjoy the quiet of the little corner table. Conversation is kept light, with nothing in particular discussed until there is a pause, and Laura seems to grow quiet before speaking again.

"Nate..." Laura takes a bite of her salad and chews it thoughtfully. So many things ran through her mind... so many feelings. Ryder's words continue to bounce around in her head, colliding with her own thoughts and conclusions.

Giving a little sigh, she twirls her fork in her lettuce. "I've been thinking... a lot."

She rolls her eyes at her own hesitance and she finally looks up at Nate. "I know I haven't been the greatest person to be around lately... person... friend... girlfriend." She holds up a hand before he can respond. "Don't tell me otherwise, because I know it's the truth. This Bryce incident hasn't helped matters, but I'm setting that aside."

She sighs again, trying to collect her thoughts. "I know I haven't been fair to you lately either. No... I take that back. I haven't been fair to you from the very beginning."

Looking down for a moment, she thinks back over all the things she'd decided to say...that she'd been wanting to say. After talking to Ryder today, then once again seeing Nate's deep affections, she knew she should take this chance before it was too late.

"After this whole thing with... with Bryce... I, um... I realized that... maybe I don't have quite the handle on myself or my life like I thought I did. I used to be pretty confident.... in myself, my work... but as the world around me moved on, looking back now, I see that I failed to grow as time passed. I was hired at TJY because I was good at what I did... because I wouldn't take no for an answer, and I could beat up most of the guys."

She grins a little before going on. "And all that was great, working with Con, Jamie, Jason, and sometimes you. But then as my job shifted, I didn't. I got lost in my own little world, somewhere along the way, and I started getting confused about who I was. I didn't see it at the time, but I do now."

Laura leans back in her chair and plays with her napkin in her lap. She lets her eyes roam for a moment, trying to put words to her feelings, and finally looks back to Nate again. "Then you came along." A little laugh escapes and she shakes her head. "I had no idea you were watching me, and then when you got sick and you hauled off and kissed me..."

Her amusement is genuine and it sparkles in her eyes as she smiles. "I couldn't imagine anyone wanting me enough to pursue me like you did. All I'd ever had was men after the wrong sort of things, with Con standing behind me, my shelter with a big warning sign ready for any man with guts enough to approach me."

She shakes her head again. "But you won out. Through all the trouble I put you through, you stuck it out like no one ever did." Her smile starts to fade, though the look in her eye was one of peace, not resentment, not fear, not heartache. It was a look that had been absent for a long time.

"And it was then that I started falling to pieces. On the inside. While you were offering me love and stability, every time I saw you, I crumbled. I liked to hide it. I liked to pretend that I was just playing hard to get. But... looking back... I know that the fact was, that you shook up my world enough that I was beginning then to question myself and who I was. I wasn't supposed to need anybody - I was strong enough. Yet I felt like I was starting to need you. I wasn't supposed to want anybody - I was just fine on my own. Yet I felt like I was starting to want to spend all my time with you."

A little laugh escapes before she grows sober again. "It scared me because I wasn't used to feeling those things... even though I wanted them, they made me feel out of control. So in order to stay in control, I pulled back all the harder, making it all the more difficult for you. I thought that... I could have both."

She nods, showing that she had found the truth of her own actions. "I thought that I could be stubborn and as self-reliant as always and have you at the same time. But... I was too immature to realize that in order to gain freedom in love, I needed to give up a portion of that independence. In order to gain the confidence and strength in love, I needed to give up the reliance on myself. And..."

She shakes her head, brave enough to continue looking Nate in the eye. "...I didn't see those things then like I do now. I didn't see that I was pushing you away and making things so difficult for you. I saw sometimes how I hurt your feelings, yet I was too selfish to change. It wasn't a lack of love or a lack of want for a relationship... it was simply because I didn't want to try and change. I didn't want to make the effort. It was hard for me to get past my own need to take care of myself, and my own pride. Even then, because of the turmoil it caused, I just wound up breaking down and feeling like a child all the time. Which... in turn... made me pull away all the more... especially when you proposed to me."

Laura pauses, taking a sip of her iced tea to regroup a little bit. Taking a deep breath, she lets out out slowly. "Then... after all this mess... something finally clicked. It feels like I got a swift kick upside the head, and... I want to apologize."

She nods. "I want to apologize for all I've put you through from the very beginning, not just lately. I feel as though my eyes have been opened and I'm just now able to see that while I thought at the time I was in control, really... I wasn't. While I thought my stubbornness was a sign of strength, really... it wasn't."

Her eyes study Nate's, hoping that her words were making sense. For in her mind, they did. The answers had appeared, as clearly as day, after so much thought, prayer, and words of her friends, old and new. "I haven't ever really been myself with you, Nate. Instead of letting confidence and strength support my actions, I let them stand in the way and dictate my actions. Instead of letting myself love and live without fear, I hid behind fear, but labeled it as independence or even let my brother take the blame. In an awful paradox... because of my own pride and stubbornness, I let fear cloud my judgment, and I let independence rule my relationships. And so..."

Laura pauses again, giving her words time to sink in. "...So looking back, I can tell that I never really have just let myself be me. Which, ironically, was what I was trying to be all along."

A sadness enters her eyes, realizing the truth of the matter. But today, the peace remained. She had let go of her fear, somewhere along the way. Through recovering from a tragic and frightening experience, she had learned more about herself than ever before. And while the revealed truth was not something that felt good, it was indeed the truth that must be faced.

She swallows hard, now at the end, and not really knowing what would come next. But she'd started this thing, and she needed to see it through.

"Um... so... I guess..." She gives a little shrug. "I don't know what to do now," she admits. She offers the best smile she can. "I've said for so long now that I love you... and I don't want you to think that that part was never true - because it was. But it's been a reserved love... a love that's only been allowed to go so far before I yanked it back in order to keep it from opening up my walls. You, on the other hand... you've loved me freely, and have opened yourself up to everything, pain and all, because you're simply that generous and willing to sacrifice for me."

A tear appears in Laura's eye. "Never have I felt more humbled, Nate." A small smile surfaces once more. "And... all that to say... I'd like to start over." She gives a nod. "If you say no, I'll understand, because I've made you wait so very long already. But... I want a chance to give you the real me... the me that should have been there all along. I... can't promise the outcome, but I'm not gonna try to. All I can ask for is one more shot. Will you... give me that chance?"

She can't help a light chuckle. "If you say yes, I promise not to make you get sick in order to steal the first kiss again."


The bell above the door at Mom and Pop's rings. It's fairly quiet inside, but a few people have ventured out for their morning coffee. No one seems to pay much attention to the newcomer. Her short height helped aid her in going unnoticed. She stops just inside and looks around, squinting as her eyes roam the faces. Not finding who she was looking for, she heads boldly to the counter. She can just see over it and puts her arms up on it, helping boost herself up just a little more until she can see the woman at the register.

"Hi." Her big blue eyes stare at Aerith with question. "Is Carson Banks here?"